Everyone has one of those family friends. You know, the old guy who’s just a bit crusty. Who drinks too much. Who ogles your wife. Who invites you into his home to host a wedding between your uncle and his implausibly cute granddaughter, then just after they’ve gone off for the bedding ceremony, has your pregnant wife stabbed in the stomach, fires a bunch of arrows into you, and executes you and your mum.
That kind of guy.
A bunch else happened this episode, but it’s hard to think about anything besides how truly brutal The Red Wedding turned out to be. The closest thing Arya has to family at this point is the Hound, which is truly traumatic. Serves us right for spending all those weeks bitching about how nothing every really happens on this show, I suppose.
Away from all the horrendous betrayal and bloodshed, Bran has fully realised his psychic wizard powers and can now possess people as well as animals, so he’s officially splitting from Osha and off to find the three-eyed raven once and for all with Jojen. (Tip: Googling ‘Bran Jojen’ leads straight to fan fiction hell. Just don’t.)
Meanwhile, Gilly thinks Sam is a wizard because of his book learnin’ skills, which is cute, but how are they going to get that baby over the wall now that they’ve reached it? And how is Ygritte meant to deal with the fact that Jon was a crow in wildling’s clothing all along? (Watch for Rose Leslie’s fantastic look of horrified realisation as he gallops away after fighting them off. Stunning.)
As has too often been the case, the Daenerys plotline is almost an afterthought this week. Daario Naharis, Ser Jorrah and the leader of the Unsullied get the Yunkai to surrender in about 12 seconds flat. They return triumphant, but Ser Jorrah can’t hide a broken look when Daenerys is all: ‘Cool. Thanks Ser Jorrah. So where’s Hottie Naharis?’ Seriously Jorrah, it’s time to start working your noble-hearted magic on that translator girl. Or Ser Barristan. Anyone else!
Well people, adjust your brightness and contrast in advance because next week we wrap it all up and get on with the rest of our lives, just as we’ve learned how to spell everyone’s name.