‘Fuck Joffrey! Fuck the Queen!’ That’s right – this week it’s all about the colourful language of Westeros. This first invective comes from none other than The Hound, who’s decided not to take Arya back to King’s Landing but return her directly to Robb and Catelyn. Could things finally be turning around for Arya…?
The folks at King’s Landing also have plenty of reasons to swear this week. Joffrey walks Sansa down the aisle (shudder), humiliates Tyrion by nicking his man-platform and making Sansa stoop down to complete the wedding ceremony, and threatens Sansa with rape at the reception. This is after Cersei tells Margaery ‘If you ever call me sister again I’ll have you strangled in your sleep.’ Wow – it’s so much fun deciding which Lannister to hate the most!
But it’s not all about hate at King’s Landing. Even though Tyrion gets massively drunk to deal with the wedding, he stops short of bedding Sansa, much to Shae’s relief. (One question – why doesn’t Tyrion just mention to Sansa, casually, that he’s in love with Shae? Wouldn’t that make things a tad easier? No? Ok.)
Meanwhile I’m fairly certain I read somewhere that Emilia Clarke told the producers of Game of Thrones that she wasn’t getting her kit off on screen anymore, but I must have had one too many milks-of-the-poppy because that is most definitely not the case this week. Turns out the ‘powerful friends’ those Yunkai people mentioned in the previous episode were three guys known as the Second Sons – let’s call them Smutty, Smoulder and Stoic. Smoulder decides that rather than go up against Daenerys, he’d rather chop the heads off Smutty and Stoic and bring them to her during bath time. Seductive!
Things are particularly crazy in Melisandre Land this week. She’s returned to Stannis with Gendry and it looks like she’s going to sacrifice him, which sends Stannis running down to the cellar to confer with Davos, who’s frustratingly loyal and reasonable about it all as usual. Upstairs, Melisandre convinces Gendry to take her to bed with no effort whatsoever, then proceeds to tie him up and put leeches all over him. Honestly, why do the guys on this show just get it on with any woman who takes her robe off? You just met this woman Gendry! At least check her OK Cupid profile first!
We end with Sam and Gilly holed up in the woods, surrounded by a particularly noisy flock of crows. It’s all very ominous, but it turns out that was only because a White Walker was on the loose, which is fine because that spearhead Sam has been carrying around is actually purpose-built for killing White Walkers (only catch is he left it behind as he was fleeing from the scene in terror).
Two episodes to go people! Starting figuring out what you’re going to do with your lives come mid-June!