Review: Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

There’s not much I can add to the critical banter on Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom that you haven’t already heard. So, to fun it up, I’ve written it to the tune of Guns N’ Roses 1991 B Side classic from Use Your Illusion I – Dead Horse. (You can sing along, too!)

Tired are these films
Not that anyone cares
$1.67bn on Jurassic World
Is why Fallen Kingdom is here

No player understands
Quite why they’re there?
They’re searching for characters
When plot holes appear..

Maybe if we looked real hard
We’d see them trying to
Not do a bad remake
of Jurassic Park 2

Then when they said Colin Treverrow was coming back to co-write it, I didn’t know what to do?! WRRRRAAAAA

Cause all their doing is flogging a dead horse
And a lack of ambition has brought the whole thing down
I’d like to think that my fangeek’s worth a tad more
But making those millions on repeated dino growls..
It gets tiring… I spose some things will never change..

They brought in J.A. Bayona
To sell the indie cred
He’s made some groovy films before but..
This one leaves him dead

I can assume that he was handheld by Execs
And a lifeless script that ain’t worth much zip
Well, what you get is what’s on screen…

Cause all their doing is flogging a dead horse
And a lack of ambition has brought the whole thing down
I’d like to think that my fangeek’s worth a tad more
But making those millions on repeated dino growls..
It gets tiring… I spose some things will never change..

When you see all the plot holes
Filled in with checklist Dinosaur sneers
You’ve been around this track at least 4 times
And now the joy is no longer here….

Cause all their doing is flogging a dead horse
And a lack of ambition has brought the whole thing down
I’d like to think that my fangeek’s worth a tad more
But making those millions on repeated dino growls..
It gets tiring… oh yeah, it gets tiring… No way! It gets tiring… Ooooh Tiring

Tired are these films
Not that anyone cares
$1.67bn on Jurassic World
Is why Fallen Kingdom is here…

★★

JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM stomps CINEMAS on 21 JUNE, 2018

There’s some fun set pieces, and the digital effects work is as impressive as ever, but when there’s nothing of substance behind it, it carries no weight or identity. It’s the script’s sense of purpose – or there lack of – that brings Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom to a grinding halt.