So we start with Sam finally having to act brave and look after his new squeeze, who still doesn’t seem convinced he’s going to get her and her new baby to safety. Then we touch base with Bran, Jojen and co, and Jojen sees Jon Snow on ‘the wrong side of the Wall, surrounded by enemies.’ Sharp intake of breath!
Speaking of, Ygritte is now so in love with Jon Snow that she promises to castrate him if he ever betrays her. As if that weren’t enough to deal with, Jon then has to scale the Wall with the rest of the wildling gang, and we end up with a fairly predictable moment when he and Ygritte are hanging by a thread, have to be cut loose, and end up catching onto a rock at the last second.
Meanwhile, Melisandre pays the Brotherhood Without Banners a visit to check out the guy who’s come back to life six times. They have a long whispery conversation about how that happened (the next show I get obsessed with will have no whispering! None!) All that can really be gleaned here is that Melisandre’s accent is much stronger when she’s with Stannis, and the foreign tongue in which she speaks (High Valyrian) sounds a lot like Dothraki. Oh and she takes Gendry away on the back of a cart, which means she’s almost certainly on Arya’s List Of People To Kill.
Unfortunately, we still have to go hang out with Theon, who’s still being tortured and still doesn’t understand why. The show is obviously trying to balance how much we hate Theon with how badly he’s being tortured, but honestly, wouldn’t it be easier on everyone if they could equalize things using a different plot device?
Another character who isn’t getting very far is Robb, who’s still sitting around a large table looking frustrated at everyone. By the end of another tetchy conversation with his flaky group of generals, it’s resolved that everything rests on his uncle marrying the girl Robb was supposed to. Sigh!
We only get a couple of minutes with Jamie and Brienne, but they’re probably the most interesting of the whole hour. Jamie is growing ever more protective of Brienne (who’s now hating life in a long pink gown), but Roose Bolton is only planning to let Jamie go and keep her. Good luck with that Roose!
Of course we have to check in on the non-action at King’s Landing as well. Grandma Tyrell goes head to head with Tywin Lannister in a blackmail-off to stop all the weddings he set up last week. Unfortunately for Tyrion, Cersei, Sansa and Loras, she comes off second best and the most horrible double-wedding in history is still set to happen (Best line of the episode: ‘Loras will certainly come to know a deep and singular misery!’ – Tyrion).
And just in case you’d forgotten to hate Joffrey and Littlefinger for a few minutes, we find out that Varys’ informant Ros has been given to Joffrey for bedroom crossbow practice. Anyone who understood anything else from their whispering confab in the throneroom, you win at life this week.
In better news, Jon Snow and Ygritte do make it to the top of the Wall, and the episode ends with a wide shot of the two of them smooching with the other, much less snowy side of the world stretching out in the background. Good work guys! I’m sure things will be just fine from here on out!