Just when I thought a film franchise couldn’t hand me anymore breathtaking, bowel movement inducing comedic moments along comes THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART TWO. It’s true, this is the true caper-offerer of the series as the story (? – well the jury is out that there actually is one) which sees Bella, Edward and their loveable pooch Jacob caught in a 3 way parental bind with a digital baby.
After the initial beating I took during the opening credits when I asked the 12 year old girl next to me to take a wrapped sea bass and smack me around the face with it whilst screaming ‘What are you doing here you weirdo?!’ finished, my stunned and dulled consciousness was prepared for all the bad dialogue, horrific acting and cheap visual effects that Bill Condon and Team Forks could deliver. And man they didn’t fail to deliver.
Like backing out a darky that’s been blocked up and building for a good two weeks after you had that one night binge on Coke Zero and KFC in honour of realising that EVANESCENCE really do suck balls – the constant flow of cinematic doggie do do that oozes from the screen actually is awe-inspiringly impressive! But it’s not that it doesn’t come with that awesome feeling of relief when its all over – like smashing down that flush button when your done – BREAKING DAWN PART 2 is that hefty steamer that you’ll be glad takes the trip down the S-Bend to Hell.
This is the worst film Bill Condon has ever directed and I thought he couldn’t have topped BREAKING DAWN PART ONE. This thing is so hysterically bad that the only person in it who realises what a narrative distaster it is belongs to Taylor Lautner who just waltzes through this mess with an honest ‘meh’ attitude. But I think its intentional as I laughed my ass off all the way through it much to the annoyance of the fish beating girl near me.
So basically Edward knocked up Bella in the last one and they ripped out a digital baby vampling. Bella was gonna die so they vamped her and she went from Whiny, annoying mopey bitch to Vampy Sporty Spice. It didn’t improve matters – just gave her a stupid haircut and dumb assed eyed. Edward, who’s basically a needy, whiny bitch himself, just kinda wallflowers it and puts a good case forward as to why there’s no hope for the human race – if this is what our youth are embracing these days then we’re doomed.
So Digi-Baby RetravisionatorMae can’t talk and apparently communicates by touching your face (yet she says hello to one of the Vulgarity late in the piece) – which concerns me cause being a baby vamp in a forest who spends most her vacant expression looking time with a gigantic Basset Hound that’s ‘imprinted’ on her must have some pretty decent hygiene issues – causes all sorts of shit when a ditzy vamp (Maggie Grace) dobs the Cullens in to the Vulgarity for turning a child. That, of course, is not the case but its the thin through line that this entire extended Jonas Brothers/Taylor Swift video clip is about. Oh that ‘imprinting’ thing is some trick big dogs do on the ones they love – I figues Jacob took the baby outside, cocked a leg and sprayed her to mark his territory. I imprinted on the seats around me too while I was in the cinema, just to ensure no-one crossed into my territory.
So the Vulgarity, which is a defunct British Glam Rock Outfit from what I can gather, head to Forks to wipe out the Cullens which sets the stage for a level of pissweakery that I haven’t seen in years. Oh yes there is a digital fight scene with plenty of silly beheadings, barking puppies and somehow Vampy Sporty Spice is now a world class ninja biatch too. But its all completely undermined by the DUMBEST plot device you’ve ever seen.
The whole denouement, as it were, should’ve just ended with Bella waking up saying ‘Oh my God, it was all just a dream’ and then dropping her guts with a volcanic butt blast that would kill the neighbours cat.
Then again asking for logic out of a film that dismisses the central characters father in one of the most overtly gay scenes ever shot, that tries to make you think its smart by attempting (and failing miserably) to reference THE MERCHANT OF VENICE and by saying that vampires have an assortment of superpowers is a pretty tall order.
By the time the final fade out came I could feel the diabetes birthing in my veins, was impelled to buy a t-shirt and join an online social community ‘Totes I <3 Bella Amazeballs’. I webcammed with fellow twi-hards as I drowned my sorrows with a 10Lt Megatanker Coke Zero and a 2 Tonne bag of Twisties. Once I let one go, though, I snapped out of it and wrote this down.
Unintentionally Hilarious. Unequivocally Awful. A Silly Silly Movie. Gold!
THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART TWO is currently in release in AUSTRALIA