I gotta tell ya I know it’s not made for me, I know I shouldn’t poke fun as it’s a global giant (and more power to it) but this 4th entry into the Twilight canon, whilst being the slickest, is out and out the most turgid, stupid and utterly hilarious mess of a film I’ve seen in years. From the jarring tonal clashes between score and scene (there are sequences where you have this grungy emo rock underlying what i am assuming are tender moments), the repeated I’m-so-angry-I’m-going-to-explode-out-of-my-clothes upset puppy dog antics, the funniest werewolf round table chat (that entire sequence is sincerely one of the most unintentionally hilarious moments in film in the last decade), the wedding, Bella’s “I’m banging for a root” moping sequence, the famed sex scene, the child names scene, Edwards past vignette and last but not least Kristen Stewart.
See, when it comes to Twilight, what I don’t get is that when mopehead Bella rocks up to Daddy’s place in the first one, whining and complaining like a disingenuous militant cane toad, Daddy just didn’t pick her up, throw her dumb ass down the stairs? Yeah sure, she’d be in a wheelchair for the rest of her miserable life and probably with a permanent drool but hey at least she have legitimacy in her emo bullshit.
Production wise, the film looks better than previous entries, cinematography is the real winner here. It looks great and the establishment shots are gorgeous. The script is trite – there’s no subtlety, no class, it’s all so over dramatised and dumbed down so that illiterate Nepalese Yaks could understand it. The performances are uniformly wrought and ham fisted – I burst out laughing throughout – most of that comes from the consistently awful Kristen Stewart though Robert Pattinson ain’t much better. And what’s with dog boy? I’m like ‘Dude, head to California’! That Alice chick? Somebody stake that daffy bitch.
Ultimately, it’s Bill Condon who I hold most of my questions to – I don’t think he has any idea of what sort of film he’s supposed to be making with this.
So as we rally towards the release of the final chapter THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART TWO in November, 2012 will we see Bella get staked by Buffy? Edward get decapitated by Blade? Jacob desexed by Jim’s Spaying Business? One can only hope.
THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART ONE is available now on BLU RAY, DVD and DOWNLOAD in AUSTRALIA.